Monday, July 4, 2011

Yay, Fireworks!

Nutter Butter -

This holiday has been a painful reminder of how much I miss you, and the wonderful, special moments we spent in our far too short time with you.  Taking you to the July 4th parade last year was sooo much fun, and it has given me many happy memories.  But, those same memories made it impossible for Momma to attend the parade this year.  We planned to go.  Woke up, ate breakfast, got showered, then Momma had a total meltdown.  It was just...too much.

As I told Dadda later in the morning, I "power through" most days with my mask on.  I smile.  I concentrate on work.  I try to live another life.  I compartmentalize.  But, on the days when the mask refuses to stay on, when the tiny surface cracks become canyons, I just have to give in.  Today was one of those days.  My heart and my brain need these days.  To fully, totally and completely miss you.  Mourn you.  Cry for you.  Cry for us.  Cry for what we have lost.  Because, as we face the 6-month milestone of your loss, it has become so painfully real.  If I live the long life I'm expected to live, I will have to face those years without you.  Not just one month or six months.  More like 50 or 60 YEARS.  It's too much to comprehend.

So, as I listen to the fireworks outside and watch all the coverage on TV, my heart hangs on to one of my all-time favorite pictures of you.  It's from last 4th of July.  You are playing in your ExerSaucer with a giant smile on your face and your hands in full clap-mode.  This picture captures the essence of you.  Playing joyfully with Grandpa in the midst of their neighborhood holiday celebrations.  The 4th of July holiday will always bring this image, this Peanut smile, to my mind and heart.

Ohhhhh Peanut.  I am missing you tremendously.  Loving you tremendously.  And rubbing my tummy to let Chickpea and Lima Bean know that while I am very, very sad, I also love them tremendously.

Peanut, as Dadda said this morning, we know you're up in heaven leading the parades and enjoying the fireworks.  So, have fun but also know your Momma is here on earth sending you good-night kisses.  To the moon and back!

- Momma

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