In the weeks after we lost you, Dadda and I knew one thing for sure. We wanted - no, needed - to be parents again. Before that horrific day in January, we had sworn "one and done." Partially because I thought we were too old to get pregnant again. Partially because I was afraid I didn't have enough love in my heart for another baby and I wanted to give everything I had to you. Mostly because you were perfect. You were amazing. And we were fantastically happy.
And then January 26, 2011 happened. Five months ago. The unthinkable. The unimaginable. Five months of living every parents worst nightmare. But, always knowing that you brought out the best in us...you showed us our true purpose. Being parents together made me and Dadda better as a couple and better as individuals. Being a Momma showed me the best parts of me, while I fell in love with my little boy over and over, day after day, and fell in love with Dadda in a whole new way.
And now...a gift from Peanut. Your hand has been in this every moment, every step of the way. Peanut, the Guardian Angel. Peanut, the Big Brother. To not just one, but two babies. That's right. Twins. The Beans. Chickpea and Lima Bean. Twins who will most likely be born before the end of 2011. A year that started with heart-breaking tragedy, and will end with hope.
To borrow a phrase from a friend of mine who also lost her son unexpectedly and has gone on to have a new baby...it is possible for grief and joy to reside side by side. I touch my tummy and remember the innocent, blissful joy of my pregnancy with you, Peanut. And, I love those memories. This pregnancy will be very, very different but I owe these babies as much joy as I can find. I owe them the same happiness I gave to you. And, I know you are guiding them and will always be their special angel.
Peanut, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be a Momma again. Please, watch over these little lives...show them the ropes Peanut-style. And know that my joy over them doesn't change my amazing, boundless love for you. You will always and forever be Momma's Peanut. My perfect, wonderful little boy.
Sweet Peanut, I love you - to the MOOOOOOON and back!