Sunday, June 26, 2011

Chickpea and Lima Bean

Peanut -

In the weeks after we lost you, Dadda and I knew one thing for sure.  We wanted - no, needed - to be parents again.  Before that horrific day in January, we had sworn "one and done."  Partially because I thought we were too old to get pregnant again.  Partially because I was afraid I didn't have enough love in my heart for another baby and I wanted to give everything I had to you.  Mostly because you were perfect. You were amazing.  And we were fantastically happy.

And then January 26, 2011 happened.  Five months ago.  The unthinkable.  The unimaginable.  Five months of living every parents worst nightmare.  But, always knowing that you brought out the best in showed us our true purpose.  Being parents together made me and Dadda better as a couple and better as individuals.  Being a Momma showed me the best parts of me, while I fell in love with my little boy over and over, day after day, and fell in love with Dadda in a whole new way.

And now...a gift from Peanut.  Your hand has been in this every moment, every step of the way.  Peanut, the Guardian Angel.  Peanut, the Big Brother.  To not just one, but two babies.  That's right.  Twins.  The Beans.  Chickpea and Lima Bean.  Twins who will most likely be born before the end of 2011.  A year that started with heart-breaking tragedy, and will end with hope.

To borrow a phrase from a friend of mine who also lost her son unexpectedly and has gone on to have a new is possible for grief and joy to reside side by side.  I touch my tummy and remember the innocent, blissful joy of my pregnancy with you, Peanut.  And, I love those memories.  This pregnancy will be very, very different but I owe these babies as much joy as I can find.  I owe them the same happiness I gave to you.  And, I know you are guiding them and will always be their special angel.

Peanut, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be a Momma again.  Please, watch over these little them the ropes Peanut-style.  And know that my joy over them doesn't change my amazing, boundless love for you.  You will always and forever be Momma's Peanut.  My perfect, wonderful little boy.

Sweet Peanut, I love you - to the MOOOOOOON and back!
- Momma


  1. What fabulous, fabulous news, Lynn! You and Shaun deserve this happiness after all of the terrible-ness that you have suffered through. Congratulations to both of you.

  2. Woot, woot! Eric and I are so,so, so excited for you both. Yay, Peanut!!!!

  3. Lynn, this post made me cry... So happy for you!! Hope is an amazing healer in itself. It is so worth risking the pain of loss again. Isn't it amazing what can happen in one measly year? Hope your pregnancy is easy and makes each day easier to bear.

  4. Lynn and Shaun, I have been waiting for this day. Liz and I are thrilled beyond words. Peanut has shared with you the amazing gift of not one, but two little brothers or sisters. My prayer is for a healthy and normal pregnancy for you as you dream of the new lives that will strengthen and nourish your family.
    My love to you both.

  5. Lynn and Shaun,

    I felt like my heart did a flip flop when I read the news. I am so happy for you both and wish you lots of love, happiness, and an easy pregnancy!


  6. I am sooooo happy for you both and wish you well and all the happiness and joy in the world!!!

  7. My oh my! You know I am cracking up!

  8. As tears stream down my face, I must say congrats on your new little ones. A friend forwarded me this today, and I'm so glad I read a tidbit of your story. You see, one year ago today I gave birth to my son Levi Matthew and then an hour and 19 minutes later, I said goodbye to him. The loss of a child never leaves you, and it just becomes part of you - not defining you - but certainly changing you forever. We have buried two children in the last 25 months, and I have been pregnant for 17 of those months. I am currently 35 wks pregnant with our rainbow, Noah. The joy and sadness are sometimes overwhelming...but God is so evident in each moment isn't He? Anyhow, thanks for sharing your story...I think that women should be blogging their hearts out re: the loss of our children, it has helped me heal in so many ways to read other stories and I have found great strength and hope in knowing that although it is at times a lonely path, we are certainly not alone.