Sunday, May 10, 2015 is one of the days I miss you most...

Peanut -

It's been so long since my last post.  The days have grown increasingly hectic thanks to life in general, and your little brother has turned into a full-fledged pre-schooler which requires a whole new level of attention and engagement.  I find these postings now occur on milestone days like your Angel Day, birthdays and holidays.  Like today - Mother's Day in the US.  Momma was only blessed to spend one of those with you alive on earth, and it was truly wonderful.  A day filled with smiling, posed pictures, food and drink, laughter.  How could we have fathomed that a year later we would still be raw with grief, and also very-early pregnant?

The Pickle has brought so much joy to our world and today Momma has felt immensely blessed to be called a mom.  I have the honor of being a mom to you, The Pickle.  To your little sister, Chickpea, who miscarried.  And to your brothers and sister from Dadda's first marriage.  My cup runneth over in so many ways.

But, still.  Today I can't help but reflect on my kids who can't be in my arms.  My Peanut.  My Chickpea.  How different Pickle's life would be with these Angel Siblings.

Today I was called a cry-baby.  It stung and made me angry until I took the time to absorb and reflect.  And, yes.  Yes, I am a cry-baby, today of all days.  I miss my Peanut, in particular.

I respect, love and honor all moms in the universe, but today I hold Angel Mommas in a very special place in my heart.  We find the beauty, joy and celebration in all we have, yet there will always be a hollow space, a rough, jagged scar where loss has attempted to heal.

Today, I call on all Angel Mommas to be cry-babies along with me.  Because, if you are an Angel Momma, there is some joy behind those tears.

Peanut, you have touched Momma's heart in so many ways, and your Peanut Effect continues to astound me.  In the weeks to come, expect more letters.  It's time to do more healing.

I love you sweet boy.  How much?  To the moon - and back!

- Momma