Thursday, September 12, 2019

Happy 10th Birthday, Peanut

Peanut -

Today you would be turning 10 years old - double digits. While we choose to focus on the joy this day brought us when you were born, this particular milestone has been breathtakingly hard for Momma.

I try to picture 10-year old you, and what I envision is a tall, lanky young man who still has that extraordinary smile, laugh and love of music. Tennis or swimming would most likely have been your sports. And I know you would be an amazingly kind person given your "old soul."

Last night, as I reflected back on the day you were born, I pulled out a journal from 2009. Sure enough, I had a page where I wrote down the timing of my contractions (picture included below) since I wasn't fully sure - at first -  if I was actually in labor. It turns out we cut it pretty close given how close together they were, and we had a 15-20 minute drive to the hospital. As soon as we made it the maternity ward, the admitting nurse told us two things: "Yep, you're having a baby today!" and "We'll see if you still have time for an epidural." Turns out we had time for not one, but two epidurals since the first only took effect on one side of Momma's body. But you entered this world less than five hours after we arrived at the hospital, when one of the nurses immediately called you "A tiny little peanut." And your nickname was officially born.

Peanut, our hearts, family, friends and the world have been so blessed and lucky that you entered this world. And in your death you have continued to impact people across the globe - your Peanut Effect.

Today we will do a little dance with your younger brother, in your honor. And, of course there will be a birthday cake in celebration of your life. You changed the shape of my heart forever, and for that I am forever grateful, my Peanut. I miss you. I love you. How much? You know! To the moon - and back.

Love -
Momma




Friday, January 25, 2019

The Peanut Effect Revisited

Peanut -

Hi, sweetheart. It's been a year since my last post, but I still talk to you every day. Today is significant for Momma since it marks eight years since the last time I took you to daycare, received one of your amazing Peanut hugs, read your favorite book to you (Guess How Much I Love You) and heard you whisper, "Momma..." in my ear.

In the time we had on earth with you, and in the subsequent years, your spirit, love and influence softened Momma's heart. You taught me to be to be kinder. To assume good intent. And to always listen when someone needed a friend. I named it "The Peanut Effect" and it is still active in my life today - and I think it is with others as well. The world needs more of your Peanut Effect today. That is part of Momma's mission - to remind people that one act of kindness creates another, and another and they start to multiply. The Peanut Effect.

Your little brother turned seven years old last week, and I know he desperately wishes you were here to celebrate with him. He has hit milestones you never got to experience on earth but we talk a lot about what you're doing in heaven, and those are magical conversations. Every family picture he draws includes you - and it makes Momma's heart sing. More Peanut Effect.

I know you see everything we are seeing and doing, and I feel your touch, your love. Just know, we/I miss you desperately. Tomorrow is not a day we "celebrate" which is why I wanted to write this letter today - because it is full of good memories. And tonight, I will read you your favorite book. Because I know you will hear me.

Peanut, please know I cry and have moments of sadness, but also joy, because I love you so very much. How much? Guess. OK, OK - you know this one. To the moon - and back.

Love,
Momma