We had a 14-week ultrasound yesterday to "check in" on the Beans. Dadda and I entered the appointment full of optimism, with lots of laughs and jokes about how big Momma was going to get, how hungry the babies must be, etc. But, the moment the ultrasound image popped on the screen, I knew something was wrong. I could see one baby very clearly. An active, healthy Bean. But...where was the other one? The ultrasound technician doubled checked with us, "You said twins, right?" I took a deep breath, "Yes. Something's wrong, isn't it? You don't see both of them, do you?" Finally, after much searching she was able to find our very teeny, tiny, non-surviving Bean.
You see, Peanut, that little Bean wasn't meant to survive on Earth. Instead, our Baby Bean is in Heaven, with you. It's going to be your job to tell that Bean all about Momma and Dadda. How much we love all of you, and how we're all going to be together again, someday. Now we have two little angels, watching us and watching over the Bean still growing stronger, day by day, in Momma's tummy.
This has been terribly difficult news to handle. Especially on the edge of your 6-month anniversary. Maybe someday this will all make sense. Maybe not. Probably not. Dadda and I have allowed ourselves to indulge the sadness today while also celebrating you. We visited Forest Park, where Grandma and Grandpa had a brick paver installed in your memory. And, two VERY special stowaways came along for the ride. We also stopped by your school and visited the amazing froggie butterfly garden statue your classmates and teachers created.
Today we remembered you through smiles, tears, stories, and tributes. A perfect Peanut day. And now, it's almost time to say goodnight to this long, hot, sad day. And, to my beautiful son, and his new angel sibling in Heaven. Loving you and aching to hold you both. To the moon and back.