I stopped by Target this afternoon to buy three very specific items. Kleenex, 9-volt batteries and laminating pouches. That's it. Right? Riiiiiiiight. But, it's TARGET. There's so much to see. So many little departments full of stuff, stuff, stuff. Fun stuff. Peanut stuff. Oh, Momma just couldn't resist the siren song of Target.
Background: Before arriving at Target, I had experienced a truly lousy day. Something happened earlier in the morning that made Momma feel so lonely, betrayed and full of sorrow that it was almost like being catapulted back several months to the very intense stage of grief. Like the oppressive, inescapable heat bubble that has swallowed St. Louis this week, the sadness and isolation were stifling.
So, I find myself standing inside Target with my very specific shopping list. But I'm instantly drawn to the baby/toddler clothing department. In my brain I'm thinking that I'll look for some newborn items for The Beans. Which I did. But, then I wandered over to the toddler boy clothes. I was pulling out all the 18-24 month items when it struck me like a bolt of lightning...that really wouldn't be your size anymore. In less than 2 months you would be turning TWO. Moving into real toddler clothes and sizes. No more "baby" clothes. All the Peanut jackets, shirts, pants, shorts, etc. we have would no longer fit if you were still alive. But, you aren't. Another harsh reminder from Reality. <sigh>
Peanut, I've had to pull up and try to find the lesson in a grueling day like today. Maybe it's this - give people as much grace as possible, regardless of how thoughtless, hurtful or inappropriate they may be. Because, they don't know this journey. My journey. They really don't know you. Their comments and selfishness aren't about me or our family - it's all about them, their baggage and insecurities. And I refuse to carry their baggage. I refuse to let it weigh me down or get me down. I'm stronger than that, better than that...I'm Peanut's Momma. And that's just one of the millions of reasons I love you, my Peanut, to the moon and back.
- Love, Momma