I'm afraid. Afraid to be too hopeful. Afraid to think everything will be "OK." Afraid to think this pregnancy will be good and safe. Afraid to think we will watch The Beans grow and be healthy little babies, toddlers, teen-agers and beyond. Afraid to think, "Lightning can't strike the same family twice."
I'm afraid because I can't explain the unexplained. How does my healthy, strong, amazing little 16.5 month old boy go to bed one night, only to never wake up again? If it can happen to him, can't it happen to any child? And, what if it's my fault? Dadda had four other kids from his first marriage, with no problems or incident. What if it's something about me, my bloodline, my genetics, my health history? What if it's something I pass along to the twins?
I know we - I - can't live in fear. My only source of optimism is you. I truly believe the twins will have a special, guardian angel...a Guardian Peanut. You will sit on their shoulders, watch over them, keep them safe, and will make sure they get to know their amazing big brother.
Peanut, my angel, I'm sorry if I ask too much. It's just that you are such a powerful, wonderful spirit, I truly believe you are still present in every aspect of our lives. Momma loves and misses you so very much. To the moon and back...times infinity.