Monday, July 25, 2011

July Anniversaries

Peanut -

Today - July 25th - is a pretty significant day.  Happiness and heartbreak all rolled into one Monday in July.  Tall order for a Monday, huh?  It is Momma and Dadda's 3rd wedding anniversary.  A big day because it marks the beginning of our little family.  Almost 6 months after getting married - the 3rd Monday in January of 2009 - we got the amazing news we were pregnant with YOU.  Nine months after that, on September 12, 2009, we had our amazing little Peanut.  And 16.5 months later - almost exactly 2 years after learning we were pregnant with you - we lost you.  With no warning, no explanation.

That is the other anniversary falling on July 25th.  It has been exactly 6 months since I last got a Connor-hug.  Felt your breath on my neck.  Heard you say "Momma."  Six months since I saw you alive and imagined a lifetime of forever with Peanut.  I prefer to mark this anniversary rather than tomorrow, the 26th.  That date will mark the 6 month "anniversary" of your death.  And, that is too much for Momma's brain to process right now.

I know as time, months, years pass these dates and days will not seem quite as significant.  However, right now, they mean the world to me.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get out of bed in the morning.  Function at work.  Talk to anyone.  Even care to shower and put on make-up.  Tomorrow I just want to remember you.  <sigh>

Peanut, I miss you soooooooo very much it tears my heart to pieces.  Tonight I will think of every last moment I had with you.  I will focus on the immense love I feel for you and that I felt from you every moment of every day.  And, I will cry.

To the moon and back, my baby boy.
- Momma

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