Three Years

Peanut -

Three years ago tonight I hugged you - and you hugged me back - for the last time.  I read you your favorite book and felt your arms around my neck as I told you just how much I loved you. Three years ago the world Momma lived in said you would wake up the next day.  But.  You didn't.

Without explanation, you left us far too early and life - the world - changed in an instant.  Just after 6:00 am on January 26, 2011 Dadda found you unresponsive in your crib.  Momma and Dadda tried CPR, calling 911 and holding you close to our hearts hoping these acts would bring you back to this earth.  I'll never forget the EMT who ordered me to go change out of my shower-robe into clothes so I could function in the ambulance and ER.  "MOM - go change into clothes NOW!"

By 6:30 am Momma was riding in the passenger seat of the ambulance as we tried to push through early rush hour traffic to St. Luke's hospital.  Dadda was trailing us in his car, frantically calling family and friends - something I didn't have the presence of mind to do - as we sped to the hospital.  I prayed the whole ride to St. Luke's.  Please let my little boy be OK, please bring him back to us, I will do anything to keep him here, I will be a better person, please, oh please, oh please.

Just after 7:00 am the ER doctors prepared us for the news.  They knew you had left to fly with the angels.  Momma just couldn't face that reality.  And by 7:30 am you were pronounced dead.

The next few days are a blur.  Somewhere in there we planned your Memorial Service.  We picked your urn, wrote your obituary and decided on the passages to be read at your service.  We got dressed and showered despite how pointless it all seemed.  And I promised Dadda I would live.

Three years.

Three years.

Three years.

I crave and miss you so very much.  I want to feel your soft curly hair and long eyelashes.  Your expressive fingers and wiggly monkey toes.  I just want you back in my arms.

I miss you desperately.

Peanut, I love you.  How much?  Well, silly, you know - to the moon and back!

- Momma