Friday, January 26, 2018

Anticipation and Seven Years Without You

Peanut -

Hi sweetheart. It is so hard to believe it’s been seven years since we last held you. Seven years since our world was turned upside down. Seven years of committing to live, love, grieve, cry, laugh, hug, and be a mom and person you can be proud to watch from Heaven. And, while I am sure I often fail, I can say that on the flip-side I do often succeed in that effort.

When Monday of this week arrived I felt the black fog of sadness cloak my entire mind and body. Fortunately, Momma has become a master of compartmentalization over these last seven years which allowed me to function at work and home for the majority of the week. But, I have learned many lessons over years and I recognize the importance of self-care and creating a safe space to uncage my grief. Yesterday afternoon I signed off my work computer and spent hours pouring over pictures and videos of you, my dear Peanut. Tears flowed but, miraculously, the black cloud began to lift. The more I allowed my love and sadness to run free, the more I felt the overpowering love of your Peanut Effect.

Peanut, you continue to be the savior of my heart and spirit.

Thank you for changing the shape of my heart by making me your Momma. And, thank you for never abandoning my heart as I navigated the very confusing, complicated road of grieving your death. While I continue to walk that winding path every day for the rest of my time on earth, I know you are by my side, on my shoulder, and watching over me and our entire family.

I see you in your little brother’s smiles. I hear you in his laughter. While his personality is very much his own, there are many echoes of you, which tells me you - his big brother - have been instrumental in his life. While you weren’t physically here, you have been here surrounding him with love.

Peanut, on this day of remembrance I honor you, embrace you...and I might even snuggle with your special froggy for a bit. As the remarkable Stevie Wonder sings, “You are the sunshine of my life...” Momma loves you so, so much. How much? You know, silly! To the moon - and back.

With all the love in my heart,

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