Three years ago, over Valentine's weekend, Momma started documenting her grief in a personal journal. The depth of my grief was swallowing me whole, and I had lost the ability to verbalize the pain, the hopelessness, the despair. That journal reawakened Momma's ability to express her thoughts and emotions much more eloquently via the written word than she ever could verbally. At the same time, it became a very dangerous, private, hidden outlet for Momma to share the demons hidden within her grief.
Just a few weeks in to the journal exercise Momma decided to instead share her experiences and emotions in a much more public space - this blog. This was Momma's way of not only sharing the journey, but forcing some accountability onto herself. Accountability to survive. To live and thrive.
The Momma from three years ago could never picture being where we are today. Momma laughs every day. Not just a half-hearted laugh but a head-thrown-back belly laugh. We talk freely with The Pickle about his Angel Brother, noting the absence of good literature to discuss situations like ours with subsequent children. We pledge to help others by sharing our story.
Peanut, we aren't just surviving. We are living. Living full of love. Full of pride that we have you in our lives and hearts. That we have you watching over us.
Tonight Momma has decided to share a chunk of her heart. A journal entry from this day three years ago. This is painful to read and revisit. For anyone reading this who is early in their heartbreak, just know...I'm here today living full of love, grace and joy:
Peanut - I wish I could see you, sitting on my lap facing me, covering your face with my hair. Bouncing up and down, trying to head bump me - all the while with a giant grin and your funny laugh. While I was watching TV tonight I felt a giant, empty hole next to me. It was so wonderful to have you next to me - you would lean right into my side, rest your head on me, and I would wrap my arms around you. It was so fun watching you turn into the sweet, funny little boy you had become...I was so looking forward to watching you grow up. It is so unfair: why did the Universe take you, my heart and my soul? You are all I ever wanted - all I had hoped for, and everything I dreamed. I want to continue on to make you proud, but life is so empty without you. I know you're still present...I feel you every morning at 4:34 am. I think you're still talking to me in that moment. Oh, my sweet boy....it's been three weeks and I miss you more than ever. How can my heart still be beating when it is so broken? You brought so much joy that I want to hang on to that - but I can't help but be sad, hopeless and angry. I just want you back. I hope time helps me understand. Please know, I love you. - Momma
Peanut, I hope you feel me thinking about you every day. That you hear me talking to you every moment. That you see my dreams where we are reunited. I believe you do...I believe.
More than anything, I love you sweet 'Nut. How much? To the moon - and back again!
Oh, how I wish we'd had more of these...