Make the Fire Big...So I Can Find You

Peanut -

This afternoon The Bean and I had the opportunity to relax on the couch and watch a movie from start to finish.  He was mostly asleep on my chest in his little tree frog position, while I was lounging in my yoga pants.  The cherry on top of this peaceful ice cream sundae?  Out of Africa is currently looping on HBO, so that was our afternoon film feature. It was a moment that was almost perfect except for your looming absence.  However, we had a special Peanut moment towards the end of the movie.  

I'll elaborate.

At the end of Out of Africa, the Baroness Karen von Blixen is preparing to leave Kenya, never to return.  Her faithful servant - and friend -  Farah, while assisting her in getting the house and land in order, is saddened and perplexed by the Baroness' imminent departure. To explain, she uses a familiar analogy to help him understand.

Karen: Farah, do you remember when we were on safari, and during the day you would go ahead and find a camp, and build a fire?

Farah: Yes. And you would see the fire and come to this place.

Karen: Well, it will be like that. Only this time I will go ahead and build a fire.

Farah: And this place you are going...it is very far away?

Karen: Yes.

Farah: (after a pause) Then, you must make this fire very big, Sabu, so that I can find you.

That dialogue brought your Momma to tears and made me hug The Bean a little tighter.  He stirred, gazed up at me, and smiled.  

Peanut, while I have visions, dreams, of us running towards each other and hugging the moment I find you in heaven, I can't help but get hung up on the logistics.  I mean, all those other people, all that space.  Heaven is probably a pretty big place.  

So, just to make sure.  Just to get our family reunited as quickly as possible, let's make a plan.  OK?  I'll look for your fire.  And, if it's big enough, I'll bet I can see it all the way from earth.  Actually, I think I already can.  At least, I know I feel it in my heart.

Peanut, I wish I was the one who went ahead to find our camp.  Build our fire.  But, I can't wait to spend eternity there with you.  

With loads of love and tears.  To the moon - and back.

- Momma