Thursday, March 8, 2012

No One Will Notice That Torn Seam, Right?

Peanut -

In my old life, the life before we lost you, buying a new shirt, sweater, or pair of jeans was no big deal.  I was actually a little obsessive about keeping items pressed, pristine.  Shoes and handbags were replaced as soon as they looked worn, and clothes weren't allowed to look faded, threadbare or unkempt.

Since your death, I've had a very hard time buying anything new.  Granted, our pregnancy with The Bean forced Momma to invest in maternity clothes...since I gave all my old ones away.  But, maternity clothes have never felt permanent since they are truly items of necessity, meant to get someone through a few months.

But, the thought of buying new "normal" clothes has been unpalatable.  How dare a new pair of jeans try to come in and replace any of my old clothes...the clothes I wore with you?  The clothes that knew my Peanut, played in the yard with you, took pictures of you smiling, romped on the floor while you danced to The Backyardigans?  Never.

That is, until two weeks ago.  I was running errands in my favorite pair of yoga pants.  Pants I wore pretty much every weekend while we lounged around the house with you, reading board books, cooking your favorite little turkey meatballs.  In the CVS parking lot, in the full light of day, I noticed...oh dear...what is that?  A rip in the seam?  Huh.  These used to be black, right?  Why do they look sort  Ugh.

So, each day this week Momma has taken a hard look at her closet.  Gosh, what has happened in here?  Oh, I know.  Grief.

Tonight Momma took a brave step forward.  I decided it was time to purge a few items, replace them.  So, my shelves got a minor clean out, and I made a quick online purchase.  Granted, nothing has actually been thrown away.  These items will be placed in a bag for a few weeks...then I'll check in with them.  Maybe then it will be time to bid them farewell.  We'll see.  Baby steps.

Peanut, I promise I will keep the owl pajama pants that made you laugh on Saturday mornings.  And the bright, spring green sweater that matched your Ireland jacket, and made your blue eyes glow.  But, maybe it's time to let go of the threadbare, torn, greenish black yoga pants.  OK?  I promise to always hold you, our memories, our joy and laughter, in my heart and soul.  But, maybe wearing a new pair of yoga pants.

Loving you more every day, and sending you all my love to the moon - and back - along with a giant Momma kiss.  MMWAHHHH!

- Momma
Peanut's green "Ireland" jacket.  And his amazing blue eyes.

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