You've been on my mind all day. And, not just on my mind. At the front. On the sides. Smack dab in the middle. It started when I turned on The Backyardigans this morning for The Bean. He was instantly transfixed by the bright colors and constant motion. I was struck by the songs...the episode. It was a repeat from over two years ago. One I watched with you over and over and over again. How can it be? How can this silly cartoon survive longer than my little boy?
Then I started ticking off all the unlikely items that outlived you. The tiny, thriving plant grandma and grandpa sent to the hospital the day you were born, in its Humpty Dumpty music box planter. The ginormous box of multi-colored Goldfish crackers we bought for you when you hit 12-months. The batteries in your Meow Cat keyboard. Me.
Here's how I'm different from most other Mommas. My greatest accomplishment every day is waking up to find your brother alive and breathing. I now assume I can and will lose your Dadda, brother, puppy dog, kitty cat (hi kitteh kah!...) in their sleep. Every day we survive is the greatest gift I can imagine. It's almost impossible to buy 12, 18 and 24 month clothes for The Bean since that action is just so...optimistic. I am a here and now, live in the moment and be thankful for it, Momma.
I look back at how much of your future I had planned. Even your baby book. It wasn't the normal "Baby's First Year" book. Not even the first 3 years. It was a FIVE year book. I wasn't as diligent as I could or should have been with updates. But, I did keep it fairly current. And now it will never be completed. I will never fill in data about your first dentist appointment. Or your second, third, fourth birthdays. So many firsts you never reached. Frozen forever at 16.5 months of age.
Now I have a book for The Bean. I forced myself to be somewhat optimistic, so I purchased a 3 year book. And, truth be told, I have thoroughly enjoyed filling it with pictures, details, keepsakes. Because, even if I don't get a lifetime with him I will love him with every piece of my heart for every day I do get to spend with him. That is your gift, Peanut. Peanut Effect in full force!
Peanut, my heart is sad tonight. Sad with longing for you. Sad for every moment I don't get to spend with you. Just sad. But, I also am blessed with love and joy. Your little brother is my new ray of sunshine. He smiles, coos and laughs the moment I give him a grin. He loves music, just like you. And, he is a talker. Just like you. He brings me closer to you with every gesture, every giggle, every grip of my finger. My boys...
Sending you Momma love and air kisses. To the moooooon and back!