Sunday, March 4, 2012

Falling In Love With My Boys

Peanut -

I fell in love with you before you were even conceived.  And, my love for you has grown stronger every single day.  Even in loss, I fall in love with you more and more and more with each day that passes.  It is profound.  It is amazing.  It is Momma Love.

The same has happened with your little brother.  Loving him has saved Momma's heart.  And brain.  And soul.  It's not that he's made me "all better."  He has given me the hope and inspiration I needed to create a new me.  A new future.  To WANT to create something new.

Peanut, I watch The Bean sleep as I write this, hear him sigh, and I think of these same nights with you.  Back then I didn't have any idea how much my love could grow.  I had no clue, no hint, of the loss in front of us.  As I gaze at your brother I love without fear.  I love knowing how much my love will grow.  I love knowing it could all be ripped away in the blink of an eye.

That is your gift.  That is part of the Peanut Effect.  Unflinching, unconditional love.

Physical absence doesn't change the way I love you.  It just means I can't hug you, kiss you, watch you grow older and become the man I imagine you would - you should - be in the future.

Tonight I share a picture of you from your first months, side-by-side with a picture of your brother.  You are kindred spirits, forever linked.

I give him a kiss, smell his sweet breath, touch his soft skin, and know I am touching an angel.  And his brother.

To the moon and back, my Peanut.  That is just the beginning of how much I love you.

- Momma

The Bean


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