Wednesday, March 14, 2012

History Repeating Itself

Peanut -

Momma went back to work today.  First day back after maternity leave.  It was so hard to say "good-bye" to your brother this morning as I dashed out the door, but I am so fortunate to be leaving him in the arms and care of Dadda.  What a relief.  What a comfort.  Especially during these early months, with all the flu and other sickness flying around.

I was 100% unprepared for the dizzying sense of deja vu that hit me like a brick wall during the drive in to the office.  My brain jettisoned me back to January 2010, when I returned to work after being home for almost 11 weeks with you.  That day I took you to daycare, armed with bottles, your feeding schedule, extra outfits - the works.  After I left the room, I sat in the parking lot, sobbing.

As the memory of that morning came back to me with razor sharpness, I simply broke down.  Tears rode shotgun with me the rest of the drive in.  Tears over the memory of that morning.  All the hope and love and thoughts of an endless future, filled with possibilities.  Tears over the loss of you, and the echoing hole in my heart.  Tears over having to leave The Bean for an entire day.  To not have the ability to simply look over and see him, scoop him up in my arms, give him a nuzzle and watch him smile back at me.

The work day itself was brutally busy, thanks mostly to a bout of the flu that Momma is trying to stave off.  By the time I exited the building I felt truly lousy, exhausted, achy.  In short, pretty darn vulnerable.  And then I started the drive home.  Driving home from downtown, carseat in my backseat, the promise of my son waiting for me at was just too much.  The past and future blurred together, until my brain reminded my heart, "Peanut's gone." <sob>

This day.  This flood of memories.  The vivid reliving of wonderful moments with you, gone forever.  Wow.  Today - the whole day - was an unanticipated trigger of overwhelming grief.  An unanticipated speed bump as I try to put on my mask of normalcy.

Now, armed with Motrin and a large glass of water, I'm preparing to give in to the exhaustion of sickness and sorrow.  And, do it all again tomorrow.  Hopefully with more smiles, less heartache.  More joy over the life you blessed us with, not the loss we now mourn and survive.

I love you, 'Nut.  And miss you so, so, so very much.  To the mooooooooon and back.

- Momma

Peanut, having a "big kid" snack at school.  He is on the far left, with green shirt sleeves.

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