Today is March 12, 2012...30 months since you were born. Below is what today means to Momma.
You should be:
Turning 2 1/2 years old today.
Brushing your own teeth.
Using pronouns when you speak.
Putting on a t-shirt by yourself.
Naming colors.
Recognizing your ABCs.
Washing your own hands and drying them too.
Sleeping in a "big boy" bed.
Walking up and down stairs.
Asking Momma and Dadda "Why?" about everything.
More than anything, you should be:
Here.
Momma goes back to work for two days this week, and I am just heartsick. Leaving The Bean for the day is simply beyond reason, but it is a reality. And next week I go back to work full time. <long, sad sigh>
I am mourning you. I am mourning the end of maternity leave. I am sad x 2.
But, I am also reminding myself how lucky I am. I have Dadda, The Bean, a wonderful family. And, I have you in my soul. I have more love in my heart today than some people have in an entire lifetime. So, despite the melancholy, I must be thankful. Oh, it is so hard to be positive, but the alternative is unthinkable. I will not be the bitter, sorrow-filled, bereaved Momma. I will honor you and make you proud.
Peanut, I see you passing your joie de vivre on to The Bean. It dances in his eyes. In his almost constant smile. In his surprising, musical laugh. That joy, that sparkle, helps me see the light, the brightness,the positive.
I love you, my little boy who grows day by day in heaven. My little boy who continues to make this world, and this Momma, better. To the moon - and back!
- Momma
Lynn dear, I know this next chapter in your life will be so difficult, but when you return to work you will carry more wonderful memories with you than you ever dreamed possible. Keep the pictures of your sons close at hand and when the going gets rough, look at them and tell them you are strong and you will excel at work because of them and you will make them proud. You and Shaun make me proud to know you. My love goes with you.
ReplyDeleteThis post was hard to read. I have my own two and a half year old. When someone asks me how old she is within her earshot, and I reply "two" she adds (loudly) "and a HALF!" For all the challenges that come with this age, there is a deeper love for who she is becoming on her own, apart from me. I ache for you. I know and understand that adjustment when work enters back into life. And it's magnified for you, because your family life is so very important to you. I sense you wanting to not miss a minute, because you understand that those minutes are numbered - even when we never know the final count. Please know that your peanut - and your journey through and with your grief - has been a gift to me - as I relate to my friend who is grieving the loss of her son, and as I relate to my own daughters.
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