I feel guilty. Your little brother is getting a new, better version of me. Momma 2.0. And it's all thanks to you.
Back when I was a brand new, first time Momma I was petrified. I was worried about holding, feeding, loving you the wrong way. Not being focused enough on everything from work to family to friends to the future to blah blah blah. To not being the best.
This time around I am all about enjoying the experience. Dadda has noticed the same thing. But, it's more than just being comfortable with a baby and comfortable in our own skin. It's about our new priorities. It's about how we view life. It's about what's important...and what isn't at this point.
I feel guilty that The Bean is getting so much of my new sense of calm. My undivided love. My complete focus. Unlike my maternity leave with you, I have totally checked out this time around. Unapologetically. I only get the chance to do this right once...and it might slip away before I know it.
With you, I started joining meetings and conference calls just 4 weeks into my leave. I went back to a team offsite meeting several weeks early. And, once I went back to work, I missed your bedtime at least once a week.
After you died, I was denied the request to take extended time off. I was told to check in. To work from home. That it would be helpful for me to have the routine.
What terrible advice.
Now, I am getting ready to go back to work before I'm ready. I love my job, but I love my family more. <sigh> I'm watching The Bean sleep, with his little grunts and sighs. His arms thrown over his head. I think about the smiles and laughs he has discovered this week. Oh...what will I miss?
Peanut, I will go back to work with an eye on balance. An eye on being present at home. And I will hold firm. I owe that to your brother. And, I feel guilty. Because, I didn't do that for you.
I hope you know that every night I worked late, every morning I got up early to get into the office, you were in my heart. I didn't mean to short change you.
You have made me so aware. So present. A better Momma. Version 2.0. The version you deserved.
Oh, Peanut. I miss you so very much. To the moon - and back.