Sunday, March 18, 2012

Turn, Turn, Turn...

Peanut -

Spring is in full bloom across the midwest.  Our average temperature has been running in the 80 degree range.  The daffodils have sprung out of the ground, with their sunny yellow smiles.  The bradford pear trees along the road look almost snow covered thanks to their plentiful white blossoms.  Momma slept with the windows open last night, and woke up to the sound of birds singing and frogs chirping.  The landscape is shaking off the winter, exhaling with a giant yawn (and some window rattling storms), and welcoming new life, new hope.

This change of seasons last year was particularly traumatic for Momma.  Seeing a new season arrive, without you, was one of the first doses of reality that life and the world is going to move on.  I wanted the world to remain frozen in time - like you.  Like your bedroom.  Like your closet.  I remember transitioning to shorts and t-shirts, only to realize your closet was full of 12-18 month winter clothes.  Your navy puffer coat.  Your little jeans and corduroys.  Your flannel shirts and thermal henleys.  Items that sat waiting for you.  "Where is our little boy?" they seemed to ask.  I remember watching them gather dust and wondering what was worse - letting them collect dust or packing up your closet?

Now, here we are a year later.  And, while these memories still make me cry every day, I also have so much new joy in the form of your little brother and how his presence, his life, as brought me closer to you.  The Bean and The Peanut.  He turned 2 months-old yesterday.  Every morning I breathe a sigh of relief when I see he is still alive, healthy, breathing.  Every day he discovers something new in his world - a color, a movement, a sound.  His smile turns my heart to butter, and his laugh melts it.  Often, I see him looking at pictures of you with a big smile on his face, and he'll burst into spontaneous laughter.  It is in those moments I know you're with him, telling him all sorts of funny stories, sharing inside jokes, and acting as his guardian angel.

Oh, how I wish you were here - physically here.  The Bean looks so much like you, I can only imagine what it would be like to see your two little faces smiling at me from the backseat of the car.  Or in pictures while you truly experienced spring in all is majesty.

The stark contrast in my emotions, the state of my heart, from last year to this year has triggered a song I've had playing in my head in an endless loop all weekend.  Its words are taken, almost verbatim, from the Bible, Ecclesiastes 3:1 and turned into a timeless tune by The Byrds.

Turn, Turn, Turn (The Byrds)

To everything, turn, turn, turn
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of peace, I swear it’s not too late

Peanut, the time of Intense Sorrow has morphed into Life As We Know It.  The sadness will always be present, but now it is tempered by hope.  Joy.  Healing.

I miss you intensely.  I love you immensely.  How much?  To the mooooooon and back!
- Momma

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