Monday, January 20, 2014

History Repeating Itself

Peanut -

Your little brother is sick - just like you were right before you died.  He has the same cough and red-rimmed eyes.  The same desire to hug Mommy tightly around the neck while asking for nose wipes.  As I write this I can hear him coughing and wonder...what will this night bring?

Is history repeating itself?  Is the universe truly that cruel?

I was already dreading this week and now this.  After 3 years of holding it together am I being tested?  

These weeks of milestones are hard.  Your brother's birthday.  The anniversary of when I confirmed I was pregnant with you.  The day you passed away.  These are all bundled into a 2-week timeframe.  

Every day the world moves on in "normal" time.  But this week Momma's world moves at a glacial pace - exacerbated by this coughing sickness.  I will stay up all night, if needed.

More often than not, I strive for positive, uplifting posts.  But tonight I have to be real and raw.  This journey is hard, awful, frightening, and constant.  The looming 3rd anniversary makes it all the more stark.

Momma is going to bed full of prayers.  Please let the Pickle weather this cough.  Allow us to navigate these next days with grace.  With strength.

Sending you love, love and more love.  To the moon - and back.  I love you my sweet Peanut.

-  Momma

Taken January 20, 2011.  Six days before you died.  You are so spirited and happy!

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