Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Click Your Heels Together 3 Times...

Peanut -

Lately I find myself staring at pictures of you - especially the pictures that feature your giant Peanut smile - and I start to question if this is really happening.  Is it possible it is all a long, terrible dream?  A nightmare?

I look at your face, that smile, that personality and question what kind of world, what kind of reality, would let us have you for such a brief period time, only to steal you away in such a horrific, unexplained way?  There is no way this is the life I am actually living.

Maybe if I put on my shiny red shoes, click my heels together 3, 10, 200 times and say a special prayer 10,000 different ways, I'll wake up and have you back.  Maybe there is some other ritual, dance, song, chant that I don't know about...one that might bring you back to me.  Maybe.  Or, not.

Peanut, I know you're gone.  I know I'll never hold or smell or touch or hug you again on this earth.  I just don't want to believe it's true.  It's too hard to face.  To comprehend.  To process.

I stare at one particular picture of you, and remember every moment, every detail, of the day I took the picture.  The joy and overwhelming love.  The intense happiness.   The sunshine of my Peanut.  That is your legacy.  I love, love, love you, my baby boy - to the moon and back.

- Momma

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