I spent a large portion of today missing you, and feeling terribly blue. My mind was occupied with thoughts of everything we should be doing...how much fun you would be having in the pool, running around the yard, swinging, watching Disney movies, and just turning into a little boy, in general. My little boy, to be specific.
The unfairness of all of this came rushing in today like a flood - a flood I've been unable to slow down or control. I know there are no answers, but I can't stop looking for something to blame. A totally unproductive emotion and activity, but it's where my mind keeps treading. I want answers I will never have...at least, not anytime soon. And, it scares the hell out of me. How can I optimistically plan for the future, when I have no confidence in what tomorrow will bring? It's just so...hard.
Just as I was feeling my lowest today, Dadda brought me a visitor who snuck into the house. A tiny, bright green Froggy Friend - just like your magical School and Home Froggies. He hopped up on the bed, jumped over to me, then sprang across the bed once! twice! three times! Dadda and I had to leap over to stop him from flying across the room. A fearless little Froggy...just like our Peanut. As far as we can recall, the one and only thing that ever scared you was the vacuum cleaner. The mere sight and sound of that machine was enough to drive you into Momma's arms in an instant with panic eyes! (Trust me, I get it - big, red, noisy monster!)
That bright green Froggy Friend made me laugh. Just hearing the sound of my own laughter gave me some hope. And, hope is what we need to hang on to for now, for the future. And, to honor you, sweet Peanut. I love you sooooooo very much. To the moon and back!
- Momma
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