Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dreams of Peanut

Peanut -

Momma was home sick today with a touch of the flu.  So, most of the day was spent in bed either sleeping or semi-napping.  The few times I got up, I found myself wandering into your room, looking for a sign of My Peanut.  A trace of your scent.  Maybe a well-hidden Cheerio.  A toy that we hadn't yet turned off.  A shadow of you.  But, after 5 months, there isn't much left to find.  <sigh>

Maybe it was a result of the time I spent in your room.  Or the time I spent looking at your pictures and videos this afternoon.  Or, maybe...just maybe...because you've been watching Momma and you don't want me to be so sad.  I don't know.  Whatever the reason, I had a very, VERY vivid dream of you today.  It was...breathtaking.

In the dream, I was home sick, just like today. It was the end of day and I woke up when I heard the front door open.  In my dream-world, it was as if January had never happened.  I knew the front door opening meant Dadda was home with The Peanut in tow.  Sure enough, I heard Dadda walk in the house, and your little feet running down the front hall and into our bedroom.  "MOMMA!"  You had on jean shorts, a red polo shirt and your awesome little tennis shoes.  And, in your hands was piece of orange construction paper with a "Feel better, Momma" drawing on it from school.  As you ran into the room, you extended your arms and I reached over the bed, scooped you up and tumbled back into bed with you in my arms.  You were laughing so hard, and I caught your amazing scent in your hair.  I burrowed my face in your neck, giving you tons of kisses, told you I loved you soooooo much, got a kiss from you, then woke up.  With tears streaming down my face.  Were they tears of sorrow or happiness?  Or, both?  I think both.

Peanut, that dream was so real.  I felt you.  Smelled you.  Heard you.  Wherever it came from, I am thankful for it.  My heart is so full of love for you, so full of a belief that you are very much present and watching us. I know you don't want Momma to be so sad.  I'm working hard to embrace the joy.  Just know, I'm sad because I love and miss you sooooo very much.  How much, you ask?  Well, my sweet 'Nut, to the mooooooooooooooon and back!

- Momma

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