Momma was home sick today with a touch of the flu. So, most of the day was spent in bed either sleeping or semi-napping. The few times I got up, I found myself wandering into your room, looking for a sign of My Peanut. A trace of your scent. Maybe a well-hidden Cheerio. A toy that we hadn't yet turned off. A shadow of you. But, after 5 months, there isn't much left to find. <sigh>
Maybe it was a result of the time I spent in your room. Or the time I spent looking at your pictures and videos this afternoon. Or, maybe...just maybe...because you've been watching Momma and you don't want me to be so sad. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I had a very, VERY vivid dream of you today. It was...breathtaking.
In the dream, I was home sick, just like today. It was the end of day and I woke up when I heard the front door open. In my dream-world, it was as if January had never happened. I knew the front door opening meant Dadda was home with The Peanut in tow. Sure enough, I heard Dadda walk in the house, and your little feet running down the front hall and into our bedroom. "MOMMA!" You had on jean shorts, a red polo shirt and your awesome little tennis shoes. And, in your hands was piece of orange construction paper with a "Feel better, Momma" drawing on it from school. As you ran into the room, you extended your arms and I reached over the bed, scooped you up and tumbled back into bed with you in my arms. You were laughing so hard, and I caught your amazing scent in your hair. I burrowed my face in your neck, giving you tons of kisses, told you I loved you soooooo much, got a kiss from you, then woke up. With tears streaming down my face. Were they tears of sorrow or happiness? Or, both? I think both.
Peanut, that dream was so real. I felt you. Smelled you. Heard you. Wherever it came from, I am thankful for it. My heart is so full of love for you, so full of a belief that you are very much present and watching us. I know you don't want Momma to be so sad. I'm working hard to embrace the joy. Just know, I'm sad because I love and miss you sooooo very much. How much, you ask? Well, my sweet 'Nut, to the mooooooooooooooon and back!