Friday, June 3, 2011


Peanut -

I loved, loved, loved your "big boy" car seat.  It was so nice to transition from the khaki and orange Chicco pumpkin seat to your grown-up, front-facing real seat.  Dadda and I went in decidedly different directions when it came to choosing what you would transition into for a car seat.  He chose a nice, calm steel gray seat that blended with the colors of his car.  But Momma?  Oh, no way.  I ran out and found the Britax Cowmooflage seat that totally stood out against my beige interior.  And, every time I put you in my car I give you a giant, "Mooooooooooooo!"

It's interesting.  Your car seat is one of the things I still look for every day.  I find myself opening the back door to get you, and I constantly check the rearview mirror since you and I used to make faces for each other in the mirror every morning.  Sometimes I think I catch a shadow of you.  I have a hard time putting anything else in the back seat now.  Especially in Your Spot.  It's like I'm holding or reserving it for you.  Odd?  Maybe.

I miss dropping you off at school in the mornings.  It always started my day off with a smile and laugh.  We would get to your school, park the car, and I'd come around to your door.  You knew the program.  As soon as the door opened, you would start to pump your little legs, and you'd give me your monkey noises, "Oh! Oh! Ohohohoh!"  We would get you untethered from the seat, zip up your coat, and off we went...sometimes I would carry you but in those last few weeks I would hold your hand and we'd WALK into school like a big boy and his very proud Momma.  Your teachers and friends would always greet you with hugs and food (even though you'd already had breakfast)!  Leaving was the hardest part.  Those last few weeks were filled with tears and you trying to follow me out the door...but I always knew I'd get to hug and hold you again in just a few hours.  I also knew how much you adored school and your amazing teachers.

It's so hard to believe I'll never see your toothy grin or raised eyebrow stare in my rearview mirror again.  My little Peanut who was so full of life, character, personality.  I am beyond thankful for the days we had and the memories I have to share, but we march towards the 6-month milestone your loss is becoming all too real.  

Peanut, I think about that cowmooflage car seat and I realize, it was just perfect.  The perfect amount of funny, goofiness for you.  For me.  I look at that seat and I smile.  I see your funny faces and I hear, "Mooooooooooo!"  And it creates joy and laughter.  And, that's what it's about.

I love you, Peanut, to the moon and back.
- Momma

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