Wow. After an incredibly rough several days, Momma finally turned a corner today. Last night I was almost comatose in bed, truly unable to get up, eat, smile or even talk to Dadda. I woke up today with no desire to shower or go to work, but I still forced myself up and out. Most of the day at work was an exercise in patience...I found myself wanting to scream in the middle of meetings, "Who cares?! Don't you understand my little boy is GONE? Forever and ever - never to come back?! Don't you see what self created bullshit this all is?" Of course, I didn't but it echoed through my head and heart all day.
As I was driving home this evening, I started hearing one song after another that reminded me of happier times. Most of them with you. Little by little, I started to sing along. And, finally, it happened. Cee Lo Green's, "Forget You." Peanut, that song came on the radio every single morning when I drove you to school the two weeks before you died. I would always crank it up, and at the stoplights I would turn around and sing it to you with my handy air-mic. You would laugh and clap, then watch me sing the whole song with your eyes round as saucers. I love, love, love remembering those mornings and what a huge light you brought to my day...all before 7:00 am!
Just like that, the million pound weight on my heart lifted, and I felt joy. I felt pure love. I felt you. And, instead of the gut-wrenching loss I've been so focused on lately, I was bathed in warm, beautiful, happy memories. Laughter. Light and hope. And I remembered, "Breathe...just breathe..." and continue to live each moment, each hour, each day.
Peanut, you are my lighthouse in this fog. Thank you for bringing me laughter today. Yet another amazing piece of your magic. I love you so much it makes me wonder if my heart still has room in my chest. To the moon, and heaven, and the stars and back, sweet Peanut. That is how much I love you.