Sunday, June 12, 2011

21 Months Old

Peanut -

You should have turned 21 months old today.  According to all the milestone charts, you should be using a fork and spoon on your own.  You should be kicking a ball.  Climbing and balancing on curbs, furniture.  Playing on playground equipment.  Going up and down stairs on your own.  Trying to climb out of your crib (well, you were already trying to do that!).  Washing your hands on your own.  Helping to dress yourself.  You should be learning up to 10 new words a day, and actually using between 50-70 of those words.  I'll bet you would be waaaaay beyond that number at this point since you were already stringing words together at 16-months.

Instead of celebrating another month of life, I am mourning the loss of these milestones.  Instead of having my amazing little boy climbing on my lap, playing with my hair and giving me sweet hugs, I have an urn full of ashes on a bookshelf surrounded by his beloved froggies and toys.  Instead of the unspeakable joy of motherhood on a daily basis, I have an unspeakably large, jagged hole in my heart.

Peanut, weekends are hard.  At least I have work to keep me occupied during the week.  But weekends loom large, and are full of far too much empty space.  What's worse, is I find it hard to spend time around too many other people right now.  Even when I do make plans to see friends, I can only do it in short bursts.  My isolation is my comfort and my curse.  Once upon a time, I was an avid reader and shunned TV.  Now I find TV to be a wonderful escape - a place and time to shut off my brain.  The more mindless the shows, the better.  Yuck.

As hard as this pain is, I wouldn't trade one moment of our time - my time - with you to escape it.  You have taught me so very much about the capacity of my love, to grieve, to care, to nurture, to suffer, to survive.  You have taught me that to open my heart to the joy of unconditional Momma love is to also place my heart at great risk.  But, what I think would be almost as tragic as our loss of you, is to never allow myself to take that love-risk again.  Because the reward is what you have given me, our family, friends and many of the people who read this blog.  The Peanut Effect.  I am a better person, wife, and Momma because of 500 amazing days of Peanut.  Thank you, Super Peanut.

Sending you giant hugs and heaven kisses.  I love you to the moon and back, Peanut.
- Momma

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