Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Promise

Peanut -

On Wednesday, January 26 - the day we lost you - I made a promise.

After the horror of finding you in your crib, calling 911, performing CPR on the bedroom floor, riding in the ambulance for what seemed like forever while the EMTs tried to explain what they were doing to save you, watching the St. Luke's ER team work on you and eventually pronounce you dead after 40 minutes, then having to leave your still body alone in the ER room while the police questioned us.

After answering mountains of questions from the organ donor organization, praying with our families and holding your little body one last time, watching a total stranger take your body away knowing we would never see or hold you again, then wandering out of the hospital...alone...and getting in the car with the empty Peanut car seat not quite believing this day was really happening to our family.

After an afternoon with family and friends trying to distract us, care for us, feed us, give us some drinks to numb the pain.  To make sure we were still standing and would make to the next day.

After all of that, Dadda and I found a moment alone in our bedroom.  And he saw it before anyone else.  You were my entire world.  This loss was potentially devastating.  The end of Momma.  Dadda sat down next to me, held my hand, and made one of the few non-negotiable requests of his life, "Don't you leave me.  I can't lose you too."  Silence.  In my brain I thought, "No fair.  Just let me go.  Let me be with him."  But, my heart knew that what Dadda was asking was right.  This was about me and Dadda surviving together.  Remembering you, and finding a way to rebuild our lives while always honoring our amazing Peanut.  So, I nodded, "I promise."

Peanut, I am so glad, so thankful, Dadda asked me to make that promise.  Because it has allowed us to get to where we are today.  Still remembering you every moment of every day.  Through laughter and tears.  And now, expecting two new little babies.  Reforming, rebuilding our future.  Thanks in large part to your Peanut Touch.  And a very, very smart Dadda.

Have I told you today how much I love you?  Maybe?  Well, let me make sure I tell you loud and clear - to the MOOOOON AND BACK!

- Momma

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