Monday, June 27, 2011

Never Alone

Peanut -

I struggled with a "title" for tonight's letter to you.  Partially because I am so stunned, so overwhelmed, so touched by the massive outpouring of love, support and joy we've received since last night's letter.  That's right.  Mark this day.  Momma is speechless.  Well, almost.

What has been crystal clear to me is that "we" (you, me, Dadda, and now, The Beans) have been surrounded and supported by a community much larger than we ever could have imagined.  A community of people who have grieved with us, sent us messages of support and hope, cried tears as we've struggled, and are now sharing in our joy.

A lot of people in this community know us, but many do not.  Many have gotten to know you, Peanut, via the pictures and stories shared on this blog, on Facebook, through stories told by others who knew you.  And in this way you have spread your love, your smile, your Joie de vivre (oh la la, Momma!).  Your Peanut Effect.

It is this community of support that gave Momma the sense of accountability and support she needed to pull up and out of the darkest days.  To look up and see the sun and the glimmer of hope in the distance.  It is this same sense of community and support that encourages me to continue to share our journey.  I'm not sure why I've been so stunned by the amazing response to the news of our Peanut Gift...this community loves YOU, Peanut.

Peanut, I love and miss you so very much.  I keep thinking about all your amazing faces and expressions.  So serious one second, and full of grins and raised eyebrows the next.  I look at pictures and can't help but see so much of me in you...a giant piece of my heart, of me, died with you on January 26.  But I truly believe that piece is beginning the healing process as these twins grow, day by day.  While that missing piece will never heal over completely - nor do I want it to - it will become smoother, softer.  I feel your Peanut Touch in that healing process.  Oh, I love you my precious little boy.  To the moon and back.

- Momma


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