Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Peanut -

Momma had an awkward moment today.  I ran into someone at work who I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year.  The last she knew, I was a relatively new Momma.  So, when I ran into her in the hallway, her first questions were, "How is motherhood?  Are you just loving it?  How old is your little one now?!"

And I just stood there.

Cue the crickets.  <chirp chirp>

I looked down at the floor.  Then at the beautiful ring I wear with your initials.  Back at the floor.  <deep breath>  "Actually, my little boy passed away unexpectedly in January."

Cue the crickets on steroids.  <CHIRP CHIRP>

"Oh god.  I...am so sorry.  I had no idea.  What you must have been through...oh god..."

Peanut, I tried to reassure her it was OK, there was no reason she should have known, I'm sorry I had to tell her this way.  But, I didn't have much additional strength to comfort her.  The impact of that interaction was crippling for me.  I've been so sheltered for the last 5 months - everyone I've interacted with has known about your loss.  I was unprepared for that encounter today.

I'm sure there was a better way for me to handle that situation.  What that might have looked like, I honestly don't know.  But, it's something I'm going to consider for the future.  How can I make those conversations kinder and gentler for everyone involved?  While still honoring you and your beautiful, joyful memory?

Sweet boy, I miss you so much.  It's Tuesday night...a reminder of the last time I got to hold and hug you, and get some Peanut love in return.  I can't believe it will be the 26th again in just a few days...5 months.  It feels like yesterday, it feels like forever.  But, no matter what I love you.  More and more with each passing day.  And, to the moon and back!

- Momma


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