Blooming Peanut

Peanut -

Over the next few weeks I want to talk a bit about the "things" I cherish most now that you're physically not with us.  They range from items that belonged to you, to gifts you gave me, to the things you loved most like your favorite foods and places, to special remembrances given to me/us since January 26.  All of them carry a special connection or memory.  And, all of them make me smile and think of your sunshine personality.  Sometimes they make me cry, but only because they remind me of your beautiful smile that should have stayed with us for much, much longer than 16.5 months.

One of the first items you ever gave me was on Mother's Day in 2010.  It was something you made at school, where they schemed with you and Dadda to hide the gift until Momma's Day.  When you and Dadda brought it out, I cried because it was so special.  I never could have known just how much it would mean to me a year later.  It was a flower pot full of Hershey's Kisses, with an orange construction paper cutout of your hand blooming out of it like a flower.  Across the pot was "Happy Mother's Day!  2010.  Love, Connor."

I will treasure this forever.  I will keep this close to me for as long as I live.

Sometimes I put my hand up against your tiny little paper cutout hand, and I pretend we're holding hands again.  I so vividly remember when your hands were that little, because you were just beginning to grab Gerber Puffs.  I wonder if your school and teachers have any idea just how meaningful these little gifts are to parents?  And what an impact they have made on me as I grieve and remember?

Peanut, I am so grateful for the wonderful memories held in items like your flower pot.  The blooming pot, in particular, still seems to hold some of your Peanut Energy.  I still feel you connected to it.  Maybe it's because I can feel your hand, touch it, imagine and remember.  Whatever it is, it is amazing.  I touch your little orange hand tonight, close my eyes, and I feel your warm, soft hand.  It's slightly sticky from fruit and peanut butter and Goldfish and other treats.  And, it smells like you.  I breathe you in and send you all my love.  To the moon and back.  For eternity.

- Momma