Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Turning the Page

Peanut -

And so we say "farewell" to another month, and turn the calendar page from May to June.  Another month without you.  And, more significantly, a move into a new season.  I lost you in winter, faced the darkness of sorrow and despair from winter into spring, discovered the beginning of hope towards the end of spring and now...well, who knows what summer will bring?

What I do know is I've been flooded with memories of last summer all day today.  It was such a monumental, transformational time for you, when you truly started becoming a "little boy" rather than my "baby."  I saw your personality emerge and flex its Peanut muscle.  Your funny, wise little smile.  Your stubborn streak and tenacity.  Your desire - gift - to create smiles.  And your supreme love of sharing, spreading, awarding hugs to friends, family and strangers alike.  You were joy packed into a tiny, energetic little package, Peanut.

I also recalled today a conversation I had with a friend at work the last Tuesday we had you on earth.  January 25.  It had been a particularly trying day at work, full of politics, gossip and some bad behavior.  As I walked out the door that evening to meet Aunt Dru for dinner, I commented that you, My Peanut, were the one thing that made all the bullshit worth it.  You were my sunshine, my sanity.  The one thing I looked forward to in the morning, evening and every time in-between.  And you still are, just in a very different way.  It's been hard to get to this place, but I do know that you're still very present and a part of everything I do, say, think.  And I want you to be proud.  So, chin up, Momma!

Tonight I'm sharing a piece of your sunshine, in the form of your wonderful smile.  You make my heart glow when I gaze upon your sweet face in this picture.  And, a part of me can see the angel you must be in heaven.  Just glorious.  Peanut, you are my heart, sweet boy.  I love you - to the moon and back!

- Momma

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