Thursday, May 12, 2011

Kickball in the Clouds

Peanut -

You would be 20-months old today.  I can't help but track all the milestones you should be reaching as I look at the calendar.  May 12, 2011.  You should be running.  Talking up a storm.  Kicking a ball.  Eating with a fork and spoon.  Some of these you were already beginning to do back in January.  Sort of.  OK, OK.  The whole spoon thing wasn't going so well.  We still have yogurt stuck to the shutters thanks to an unfortunate spoon incident.  But, you would be a "pro" at them today.  Really!

Rather than get mired down in the sorrow of what we've missed - and will continue to miss - I choose to believe you are doing all these things in heaven, surrounded by your angel friends and family.   You probably have awesome kickball games in the clouds, swing from and slide down rainbows, and run through fields of sunshine.  While I don't subscribe to the philosophy of you being in a "better place" - because your place was here, with us - I do believe you are in the next life, and it's wonderful.

I had a vision this evening while driving home from work.  It was powerful and took my breath away while I sat in traffic at 64 and 270.  I believe it was a vision of the day we meet again in heaven.  You are still your little 16.5 month-old self, running towards me yelling, "MOMMA!!!"  And I am my current age, no older or younger, scooping you up in my arms to receive a giant Peanut hug.  Such a joy-filled, hopeful vision.  While it brought me to tears - sobs - instantly, it also reminded me that I WILL see you again.  I will hold you again.  This is just temporary.  And, in this temporary place and space, it is now my job to honor you, remember you, share you, and make a difference.  To live, not just survive.  But, on some days, to just breathe and be still...

Peanut, I am holding you close to my heart today.  Shared below is a video from exactly 1-year ago, and a picture from your 12-month photo shoot with Heidi.  This image is how I will forever remember you.

I love you - to the mooooooon and back!
- Momma

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