Saturday, May 14, 2011

'Nuts and Ladders

Peanut -

Right after the holidays I got a wild hare to "toddler-proof" the blinds in your room.  Not that we didn't already have the cords tucked away safely, but I decided that wasn't good enough. was time to bind and cinch them to make them REALLY safe.  What this required - on a Saturday afternoon when it was just the two of us at home - was a ladder.  Bring out the heavy artillery, Momma!

Now, I had an inkling that you had a hankering to climb.  I'd watched you try to climb our bookshelves a few times, and I'd seen you try to climb over the baby gate.  But, a ladder?  No way!  So, I sat you in the TV room with The Backyardigans and some of your favorite books, and went to work in your room - which is connected/next to the TV room.

My Stealth Peanut, you get points for timing AND craftiness.  You waited until I was on the top step of the mini-ladder, focused on tying the first blind cord, to enter the room.  Like a Ninja, you made it across the room and up the first few steps of the ladder before Momma even heard you!  Next thing I knew, you were on the step right behind me and you'd stuck your head through my legs!  "Hey Momma!"  You craned your little head around to look at me, then started to laugh and bounce up and down excitedly.  MOMMA PANIC!  Of course, you were just fine.  And, we repeated this scene two more times, each time just getting funnier and funnier for both of us.  By the end of that afternoon, you were toddling up and down that ladder on your own, like you'd been doing it for weeks.

I love that memory.

<Sigh> We tackled your room today.  What a devastating task.  Devastating in the emotions and memories it evoked.  Each book.  Toy.  Towel.  Stuffed animal.  Diaper.  Bib.  Blanket.  Piece of clothing.  Devastating in the finality of the act.  The overwhelming admission that you are gone.  And the heartbreaking realization that we must move forward.  Without you.  Emotionally and spiritually , I am spent.  I have allowed myself to cry an ocean of tears for you today and I remind myself, I hurt so much because I love you so deeply.  I wouldn't trade that love for anything in this world.

Peanut, I'm sending Momma hugs and kisses to heaven tonight.  <MMMWAH!>  To the moon and back, sweet boy.
- Momma


  1. Oh Lynn, I feel so much for you. The memory of taking Emily's crib down will never leave me. Finding her binkies under our bed, and washing her pajamas, still fresh with Cheeto stains is something no mother should have to experience. Know that we are thinking of you always. Be gentle with yourself. If it is too difficult to take one day at a time, take one moment at a time. Connor is helping you through all of this. He knows how strong you are and is proud that you are moving forward. With love, Kristi

  2. I am sending extra ((hugs)) and love your way I'm sorry can't express the way I feel for you having to go through that!!!Know your not alone and your love and strength have helped so many people including me so lean on me if you need to !!

  3. I love you Lynn and Shaun, stay strong and know you are never alone.