Tuesday, May 24, 2011

118 Days and Butterflies

Peanut -

It has been 118 days since I last received one of your Peanut Hugs, felt your breath in my hair and heard you sigh, "Momma..." into my ear.  Tomorrow marks 17 weeks.  It feels like yesterday.  It feels like forever ago.  More than anything, it still feels very unreal.  How can something so perfect, joyful, wonderful be snatched away so quickly?  With no reason or explanation?

Your very presence made everyone in our family better, happier. And while your Peanut Effect has been so very powerful and awe-inspiring over these last four months, I still wonder...couldn't your impact have been equally as great if you'd been allowed to live?  While we will never have the answer to that question, it is now up to us - the friends and family who love and honor you - to make your legacy as important and powerful as possible.  What that looks like, feels like, continues to reveal itself and I'm sure that will continue for years to come.  But, I have already discovered a big part of it is sharing this journey, hearing from others, receiving and providing comfort and support, and giving grace.

As a part of sharing, I've been saving a truly wonderful story for just the "right" day.  Today feels like that day.  On Mother's Day Eve, one of my very dear, treasured sorority sisters from college shared a personal story with me from the East Coast.  Her daughter's preschool class started raising and watching butterflies this spring, around the same time she shared the story of Connor with her daughters and their teachers.  Well, the first week of May, it was time for the class to name and release their butterflies.  The entire preschool class decided to name every single one of their butterflies Connor, in honor of you, Peanut!  Picture that...a whole preschool class setting free their beloved butterflies with a dedication to you and your memory.  Connor Butterflies.  The Peanut Effect.  Powerful.

These are the stories that lift my heart and bring me hope.  While I still mourn all we have lost, in particular the future we had mapped with you, I now see there is the possibility of another future.  And, it will include you each and every day...just in a different way than I had originally imagined.  I keep you alive in my heart, soul and memory, and will continue to tell you every single day just how much I love you.  Can you guess how much?  To the MOOOOOOON and back!  For eternity, Peanut.

- Momma

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