You loved Beyonce. In particular, that crazy "All the Single Ladies" song. Uh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa uh oh!
Beyonce + All the Single Ladies = Peanut crack.
It didn't matter if it was actually Beyonce singing, or Momma doing a totally butchered rendition, it got you bouncing, dancing, grooving and laughing. Lots of other songs and music evoked a similar reaction from you, but something about you dancing to Beyonce's fierce single-gal anthem really tickled Momma's funny bone. And, there was nothing you loved more than to see me laugh.
Peanut, it would be so easy to be angry right now. Angry at the injustice of your loss. Angry at life and the world for moving on. Angry at the way this tragedy has shaken my core, my beliefs, my sense of self and safety. But...no. I choose NO. I will not be angry. Because that's not what you brought to me, my world and my life. You opened my heart to love, joy, trust. To loving with reckless abandon. Without expectation. And, that is what I owe you and the world. Not an excuse to be angry, bitter and hollow. But to give love and joy back tenfold. One hundredfold.
If there is one lesson I have learned over these last few months it is this - the universe isn't keeping score. This isn't about karma or anyone getting what they do or don't deserve. There is no allocation of "bad stuff" being doled out judiciously. Instead, it is about what you choose to do with the good, the bad, the truly horrific. Stand? Survive? Honor? Live again? As hard as it is, the answer from me is yes.
Peanut, I know you are watching and guiding us every single day. I want you to be proud, and to be able to tell your angel friends, "That's MY Momma!" That thought makes me smile. And laugh a little.
I love you, my sweet Peanut, to the mooooon and back.