You loved Beyonce. In particular, that crazy "All the Single Ladies" song. Uh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, oh whoa uh oh!
Beyonce + All the Single Ladies = Peanut crack.
It didn't matter if it was actually Beyonce singing, or Momma doing a totally butchered rendition, it got you bouncing, dancing, grooving and laughing. Lots of other songs and music evoked a similar reaction from you, but something about you dancing to Beyonce's fierce single-gal anthem really tickled Momma's funny bone. And, there was nothing you loved more than to see me laugh.
Peanut, it would be so easy to be angry right now. Angry at the injustice of your loss. Angry at life and the world for moving on. Angry at the way this tragedy has shaken my core, my beliefs, my sense of self and safety. But...no. I choose NO. I will not be angry. Because that's not what you brought to me, my world and my life. You opened my heart to love, joy, trust. To loving with reckless abandon. Without expectation. And, that is what I owe you and the world. Not an excuse to be angry, bitter and hollow. But to give love and joy back tenfold. One hundredfold.
If there is one lesson I have learned over these last few months it is this - the universe isn't keeping score. This isn't about karma or anyone getting what they do or don't deserve. There is no allocation of "bad stuff" being doled out judiciously. Instead, it is about what you choose to do with the good, the bad, the truly horrific. Stand? Survive? Honor? Live again? As hard as it is, the answer from me is yes.
Peanut, I know you are watching and guiding us every single day. I want you to be proud, and to be able to tell your angel friends, "That's MY Momma!" That thought makes me smile. And laugh a little.
I love you, my sweet Peanut, to the mooooon and back.
- Momma
One friday Krista and I played the song Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band for the kids in the class. Not the most appropriate choice of songs but as soon as it played Connor started rockin' out and danced throughout the whole entire song. As soon as it was over he looked at us like "PLEASE, GUYS JUST ONE MORE TIME". I repeated the song and he gave me the biggest smile of gratitude and continued dancing. If memory serves me correctly, he fell right before the song ended. But the whole time he just had a glow about him of pure happiness. I miss seeing that joyness of Connor..
ReplyDelete"To a little bit of chicken fried, Cold beer on a friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right and the radio up..."
you are a truly inspiring woman and mother! please know that my thoughts are and have been with you since i found your blog about a month ago. though i cannot imagine what you go through on a daily basis, i know that you must be one of the strongest people to be able to keep going yet also not be afraid to show your emotions to those around you. peanut was (and is) a lucky boy to have a mother like you!
ReplyDeleteI've not read this entry before but was reading this to Mike just now -- I love your telling of the "Beyonce bounce" many months ago and enjoyed sharing it with my hubby. Then I reached the "it would be so easy to be angry right now" paragraph and, frankly, it took my breath away. I cried the whole time - out of respect to your sharing such raw emotion, because of the choices you've made that I don't know I'd be equipped to make, and because you, my friend, wrote something so magnificent in just a few sentences. This journal is a blessing to Peanut's memory, to you and, I'm sure, to the many, many who've joined you in this journey. Thank you for baring your soul and your fierce love -- I am so honored to know someone like you, someone who truly inspires me.
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