Saturday, May 28, 2011

Is That A Raccoon? No! It's Peanut!

Peanut -

I finished sorting through and storing your clothes today.  It was too hard to face that part of the task when we tackled your room a few weekends ago, but today I was able to find some comfort in the activity.  And, a whole lot of tears.

Everything from your room has been sorted into two distinct groupings: 1) Potentially Re-use and 2) Super Special Peanut Storage.  The first pass was easy in terms of what got placed into which pile.  It was the second round that was soooooo much harder.  By the end, I had a series of outfits hardly ever worn by you, but that hold a very special set of memories for me.  And, no matter what, I don't think I could ever face seeing another little boy wearing them.  So, to Super Special Peanut Storage they went.

One of the hardest was your awesome black and blue raccoon outfit.  Hands down, it was one of my favorites from this fall.  You probably only wore it three or four times, but I had to snap pictures each and every time because the outfit was so endearing, so darn precious, and so perfect on YOU, that I just couldn't get enough.  Every fiber of my being wanted to place that outfit in the Potentially Re-use stack,  In the end, I had to relent.  This will forever be a Peanut outfit.

I think one of the worst realizations today was that everything I was sorting and storing was "old."  From this past fall and winter.  Nothing that represents spring, summer, present time.  And, it just reinforced that you are gone.  That you have now been gone over 4 months.  And you are not coming back.  Today, time was not my friend.

My heart is shattered into a thousand tiny bits this evening as I struggle to remember your smell.  Your touch.  The grip of your hands.  The warmth of your breath.  The depth of your clear blue eyes.  The ring of your laughter.  And the amazing love packed into your hugs.  Tonight I am allowing the love and grief to wash over me like a tidal wave.  Because, I know the sun will shine again tomorrow.

Oh Peanut, My Peanut.  I love you to the moon and back.  Times infinity.

- Momma

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