Boy oh boy, Zeke The Cat sure does miss you. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss getting his tail yanked on, or his whiskers pulled out. And I'm certain he doesn't miss the nightly whacks you gave him with Felipe the Screwdriver. But, I am also certain he misses you and doesn't understand why you're gone. I found him in your room today, crying in the middle of the floor. He jumped up on your changing table, then into your crib, sniffing around searching for signs of The Peanut. Eventually, he made his way into your closet, where he sat and cried for another few minutes until I went in, picked him up and gave him some love.
I wonder if the confused sense of time I have is the same for Zeke. There are days when it feels like I haven't held or smelled you for years. Then there are days like today, when I keep expecting to wake you up from your nap, or get you out of your car seat. Time has been tricky that way. It makes me think back to the days and weeks immediately after we lost you, and the total suspension of reality. To be honest, I can't even remember most of those days. I know they were horrible, sorrowful, desperate, but I think the human mind has a powerful way of shielding us, protecting us, from those periods of time when we are so wounded that all we are doing is surviving.
I told someone this week that I feel as if a fog is lifting from around me, and I feel a sense of clearing. Breathing isn't quite so difficult. Smiles are coming a little more easily. Tears are still frequent, but they are balanced with hope.
A good example: In my car today, I had my iPod on Shuffle Mode, which is dangerous. Sure enough, the song "Baby Mine" came on, from the movie Dumbo. That was my song for you when I was VERY pregnant, and right after you were born. I sang it to you every afternoon to get you to nap, and I honestly haven't heard it since you were 6 months old. It knocked the wind out of me for a moment, but then I was flooded with all the amazing memories I have of rubbing my 9-month pregnant tummy, holding my precious newborn boy, watching you sleep, and singing to you while you gazed back at me because you refused to sleep! Love and grief. But, the love wins.
In honor of that amazing song and those perfect memories, I'm including the lyrics below:
Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine
Peanut, every tear, every memory, every smile reminds me how lucky I was to have you, even if it was for too brief a period of time. I hang on to the person - the Momma - you made me. And, I am thankful even as I work through this sorrow. I feel your spirit and presence as I slowly climb upward - you boost my soul and give me the love and hope I need to keep climbing. I love you so much, I can almost feel my heart expanding. Thank you, sweet Peanut.
I love you - to the moon and back!
- Momma
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