Sanibel...without you

Peanut -

I have decided I can't spend Mother's Day in St. Louis this year.  I can't stomach the event and all the reminders it will surface around the loss of you.  So, Dadda and I have booked a week in Sanibel.  The vacation we were supposed to take with you.  I'm not sure if that's going to be worse.  We will see.  I do know that getting away is the right thing.

We went to dinner tonight and saw a darling 18-month old girl.  She so wanted to interact with us, and I struggled.  Do we tell her we have a little boy who should be her age?  Who we lost?  Do we even say anything?  Instead, I chose to say nothing to her at all.  Ugh, I hate that.

I spent some time in your room today.  Mr. Snuffles misses you and sits so lonely on your couch, so I held him for a while and shared some tears into his fur.  The absence of you has become so large, so real, I can hardly breathe.  How, oh how, can I learn to live without you?  Life "Before Peanut" and "After Peanut" seems meaningless.  I want life "With Peanut."

This weekend I will attempt to write more about the whole What Happened.  For those who read this, please send me love, prayers and loving thoughts.  Much needed.

Until then, please enjoy this memory.  My wonderful little boy was just learning to crawl and hold his head up when these pictures were taken.  He spent so many wonderful days with my parents, and learned to love the camera.

To the moon and back, Peanut.
- Momma