Friday, April 1, 2011

Sanibel...without you

Peanut -

I have decided I can't spend Mother's Day in St. Louis this year.  I can't stomach the event and all the reminders it will surface around the loss of you.  So, Dadda and I have booked a week in Sanibel.  The vacation we were supposed to take with you.  I'm not sure if that's going to be worse.  We will see.  I do know that getting away is the right thing.

We went to dinner tonight and saw a darling 18-month old girl.  She so wanted to interact with us, and I struggled.  Do we tell her we have a little boy who should be her age?  Who we lost?  Do we even say anything?  Instead, I chose to say nothing to her at all.  Ugh, I hate that.

I spent some time in your room today.  Mr. Snuffles misses you and sits so lonely on your couch, so I held him for a while and shared some tears into his fur.  The absence of you has become so large, so real, I can hardly breathe.  How, oh how, can I learn to live without you?  Life "Before Peanut" and "After Peanut" seems meaningless.  I want life "With Peanut."

This weekend I will attempt to write more about the whole What Happened.  For those who read this, please send me love, prayers and loving thoughts.  Much needed.

Until then, please enjoy this memory.  My wonderful little boy was just learning to crawl and hold his head up when these pictures were taken.  He spent so many wonderful days with my parents, and learned to love the camera.

To the moon and back, Peanut.
- Momma


  1. Sending you warm thoughts, praying for strength and peace for you. Hugs hugs hugs!!

  2. Just wanted to let you know that I think about you everyday as well as read your blog everyday...BIG HUGS!!!

  3. Sending them every day. So wish that I could do more.

  4. Lynn,
    I think of you daily, and have had you and your family in my prayers since I first learned of your loss. You have shown remarkable strength and courage....we can all see it, every day, in what you write. You are forever in my prayers!
    Amanda (Gilbert) Smith

  5. I stumbled on to your blog by "accident" as I was doing a google search, but now I realize it was actually no accident at all. I have laughed and cried with you and feel like I know your little Peanut. What an amazing little guy! What you have endured is unimaginable. I so admire your strength and courage. Please know that someone in Indianapolis is praying for you and sending you caring thoughts daily.

  6. I read everyday and grieve with you and also love sharing inthe memories as it also helps me heal as well.I will be thinking of you extra this weekend and sending you much support and comforting thoughts as you are helping me as well in the year since we lost my niece.((Hugs))and again thank you for your strenght and wonderful mother's love it's truly contagious!!!


  7. I'm sending you big hugs, Lynn. Your courage and honestly as you share your experience and feelings is inspiring. Love you!