Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Twelve Weeks


Twelve weeks.  It seems incomprehensible that we're without you to start with, much less for an entire season.  But, that's what I had to face today.  I now look around and see all these little boys growing into men, and realize that will never be you.  My Peanut, forever frozen at 16.5 months of age, with his vocabulary of 10 words and wonderful, unsure penguin walk.

I miss cutting your fingernails.  That was something I did once a week, when I felt you were in a particularly still place.  I would sit you between my legs, embrace you and together we would trim nail-by-nail.  Hardly ever any drama.  But, that was you.  Healthy, happy, content.

It's awful to think you won't be with us for Easter this year.  The time of celebration of life and renewal...and all I can think about is loss.  It's one of the many "firsts" we have to face this year, and I'm dreading it.  Today was one of those firsts for me, personally, and there was so much love and support that I (we) got through it.  Every day there are more and more people who avoid me, but there are also those who seek out opportunities to surround me with love.  Thank goodness.  I'm not contagious.  Just sad.  But I need people, support and the grace to talk about you.  Folks, I promise, the first conversation is the hardest...I know there are no words.  I'll make it as easy as possible.

Peanut, I love you.  I miss you. I ache for your smell, touch, breath, grasp, hugs and love.  I cherish you and the memories.  To the mooooooon and back, baby boy.

- Momma


  1. Lynn, I wish I would have met peanut. I'll never understand what you're going through but know that peanut's passing has made us all better parents. We pray to peanut all the time and know he is watching over you and Shaun. Thank you for sharing him with us.

  2. Thinking of you. Wish Peanut was here to help Maxine build a sand castle.
    love, wurst

  3. I believe that the folks who avoid you don't mean to hurt you, but don't know how to help you. That is sad. Maybe no one ever reached out to them. I hope the love and support you feel from your friends will make up for it. Thank you for continuing to share with us your love and experiences with Peanut. Hugs to you and Shaun.

  4. Thinking about you all through this Easter holiday. As you've said before, "dreading" a certain time, event, or memory turns out to be worse than the actual day itself. I know Connor will touch your heart in his own special way this Sunday.

    I just referred a patient's mother, who is suffering similar pain, anger, and sadness, to your blog. I know your honest reflection of your emotions, both grief and joy will support her.