Twelve weeks. It seems incomprehensible that we're without you to start with, much less for an entire season. But, that's what I had to face today. I now look around and see all these little boys growing into men, and realize that will never be you. My Peanut, forever frozen at 16.5 months of age, with his vocabulary of 10 words and wonderful, unsure penguin walk.
I miss cutting your fingernails. That was something I did once a week, when I felt you were in a particularly still place. I would sit you between my legs, embrace you and together we would trim nail-by-nail. Hardly ever any drama. But, that was you. Healthy, happy, content.
It's awful to think you won't be with us for Easter this year. The time of celebration of life and renewal...and all I can think about is loss. It's one of the many "firsts" we have to face this year, and I'm dreading it. Today was one of those firsts for me, personally, and there was so much love and support that I (we) got through it. Every day there are more and more people who avoid me, but there are also those who seek out opportunities to surround me with love. Thank goodness. I'm not contagious. Just sad. But I need people, support and the grace to talk about you. Folks, I promise, the first conversation is the hardest...I know there are no words. I'll make it as easy as possible.
Peanut, I love you. I miss you. I ache for your smell, touch, breath, grasp, hugs and love. I cherish you and the memories. To the mooooooon and back, baby boy.