I looked at your closet full of clothes this unseasonably warm weekend and discovered...the seasons have moved on without you. Everything in your closet is from the winter season. Your navy down parka. Your checked flannel shirt with matching pants. And your green thermal henley. The one from your 1-year photo session with Heidi. And everything is sized 12-18 months. Hmmmm...you are supposed to be 19 months this week. On the 12th, to be exact. It is this marching on of time that has been so painful. Why hasn't the world stopped with you?
The tumultuous weather this late winter/early spring has felt like a reflection of my emotions. From thunderstorms one day, to blue skies and sunshine the next, to 7+ inches of snow all in one week. Today has been warm and blustery, with a promise of severe thunderstorms tonight. How appropriate.
The threat of severe weather reminds me of New Year's Eve 2010/2011. I was home with you that day, and we watched The Today Show as we anticipated tornadoes and bad storms. James Blunt was on the show, singing "Stay the Night." You loved, loved, loved that song. Every time he got to the chorus you would look back at me, smile and bounce up and down with your big laugh. Even after he performed, we had to listen to it at EVERY commercial break.
For the first three weeks after we lost you that was the song playing when I started my car. No matter when or where. And if it wasn't playing immediately, it would come on within the first few minutes. This is one of the many signs I believe you've sent to tell me, "Hi Momma. I'm OK. I'm still with you. And I love you." I've included a link to the video below...the song will always remind me of you.
Peanut, it's been a hard day. Deep sorrow but also treasured memories. I love you, to the moon and back.