Momma is feeling a little frayed around the edges tonight, after a long, crazy-busy day at work. Just trying to get back into the old work routine, trying to give it as much effort and focus as I can muster, is grueling. And that's on the quiet days. I have to give myself permission to slow down and allow the time and space to remember you, grieve for your loss, relish in the joy of your memories.
My priority list, which already dramatically shifted after having you, has experienced another major shift. The self-imposed drama, deadlines, materialism and stress are no longer even ON the list...and I find myself much more motivated by family, love, life, reflection, giving back and honoring you. Not all that unusual in the midst of this type of grief, I'm sure, but still a change in the fiber of me that I welcome. Just like the internal transformation I felt when I became "Momma."
I think back on one of the first times I saw you smile. It was...magic. You weren't even three months old, I was was singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to you along with the hand movements. You were completely transfixed, and broke into a giant smile when my hand spider started climbing up the water spout again. As you got older that song brought laughter, hand claps, and eventually your own Peanut-version of the hand movements...you had a pretty good spider! And, oh...how I miss that smile.
Every day you make me stronger, Peanut. I love you - to the moon and back.
(Picture below - first documented Peanut smile!)