Every weekday for the last two months, Momma has had to pass a ginormous, stadium-sized sign announcing that Disney's Toy Story 3 ON ICE is coming to St. Louis in September. I have hated that sign for so many reasons. I've resented the giant, smiling images of Buzz Lightyear and Woody. The thought of all those happy families attending a show so close to your 2nd birthday, not realizing that you wouldn't, couldn't, ever attend. Agonizing in the knowledge that you will never get to see a Toy Story movie. Or, any of the other Disney movies I so diligently collected, beginning when we were pregnant with you.
Every day that sign has mocked me and my grief. It has been a daily knife in my heart. A reminder of what we've lost. And, it made me look at other families with a mix of jealousy and amazement. And a little bit of anger.
I passed the sign again this morning. But...something was different. It's still the same sign. Same event. Same dates. But, my reaction changed. Something has robbed the sign of its magic power over me. Suddenly, it just became another sign for another event. An event that will come and go. It was no longer targeted at me or our family. Just a sign.
Pretty soon, that sign will come down and I'm pretty sure I'll breathe a sigh of relief...until another sign goes up in its place announcing...Toy Story 4! On ROLLERSKATES...in the DARK!
My amazing little Peanut, my heart is so full of love for you. I'm working hard to make some sense and meaning of your loss...to make you proud. (More to come on that later this week!) I feel you all around me, and in my soul. Sending you Momma kisses and loads of love. To the mooooooooon and back!