When I picture you in my mind, in my heart, I always picture you pre-first haircut, with your amazing head of blonde curls. I was determined to let your hair grow and grow and grow because I adored those curls so very much. It took some convincing for me to finally allow Dadda to give you your first real haircut just weeks before you died. And, while this may sound morbid, I am so incredibly thankful that I have a little baggie full of those blonde curls...a very physical piece of you to hang on to for as long as I live.
You and I used to sit on the couch, and I would run my hands through your hair, which always instantly calmed you. While you didn't love me brushing your hair, the act of Momma playing with your curls was very different and always delighted you. Especially if I included a little ear massage, where I would rub the top of your ears between my thumb and the tips of my fingers. Bliss...
It's the little, often-forgotten moments like these that I miss the most. These are the snapshots in time that, when I string them together, made up our once very perfect life with our very perfect Peanut. I miss that life. I miss you. I miss your laugh, your smile, your eyes. I miss your curls. I miss everything.
But, the days move forward. Time marches on. And, we rebuild the best life we can, and hope to find a new sense of joy, of purpose, of hope. We will never have the old life back. We will never be the same people, same parents, again. But maybe in the midst of this transformation, we will retain the best of our old selves, and create something different but also better, thanks to you.
So, I hang on to the pictures, the stories, the memories because they remind me every day of you and your amazing little spirit. They are the foundation for the new version of Momma. You, Peanut, are the heart of that foundation. It is with that thought that I send you love, froggies and butterfly kisses
- to the moon and back!