Sunday, August 21, 2011

A Little Piece of Healing

Peanut -

Today started as one of those "Momma can't get out of bed" days.  It started with little-to-no sleep last night, followed by a fitful nap this morning.  With all that time to think...well, nothing good happens.  By the time 11:00 am rolled around, Momma decided getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating food, brushing teeth - none of that was going to happen today.  Instead, the focus was on crying, loss and sorrow-based paralysis.

One of the big triggers for today's mood?  The amazing weather.  Clear, blue skies.  Perfect, 85-degree temperatures with almost no humidity.  The kind of weather we should always expect around your birthday, Peanut.  The kind of day when a family should go to the zoo, have a picnic in the park, or just take a long walk with no specific destination.  The kind of day that reminds me we don't have you - but we should.  The kind of day I used to love and relish.  The kind of day that now makes me bitter and desperately sad.

And then...a ray of light.  Dadda and I had some visitors.  And with them, came healing in the form of a little boy who is about to celebrate his 1st birthday.  A little boy who splashed in the pool with delight, giggled at Dadda's funny faces, explored our house with his own version of the penguin walk, and fed himself Cheerios ad banana cookies between smiles.  And, at the end of the visit, he gave Momma a kiss.  Not just any kiss, but a Peanut-kiss.  I swear, in that moment I felt you in the room.  It was almost as if you had given him instructions about how to touch Momma's face, and give her the adorable, toothy MWAH! kiss.  And not just once.  Not twice.  But three times!  And, a little piece of my heart healed.

Tonight I've included two pictures taken almost exactly one year ago.  One of them captures a moment just as you are coming in to give Momma a kiss, even though the camera was in the way.  The other is one of my favorites because it captures the essence of your funny, joyful little spirit.

Sending you love and kisses to heaven, Peanut.  To the moon, and heaven, and beyond - and back.
- Momma

1 comment:

  1. Lynn,

    I was not lying when I told you that John NEVER does that - not to me, not to Chris, not to anyone. It was just magical to see. I truly believe that was a sign from Peanut to let you know that he loves you and will love you forever and ever and ever. John was a messenger that afternoon but I think he is also another sensitive young soul that feels and recognizes in you the love, care and kindness of an amazing Mommy. It is through that recognition that he felt comfortable enough to reach out. I'm glad to know that moment provided you with a tiny bit of relief from the enormous pain you experience every day and I am thankful for the opportunity to witness that wonderful moment. It was so special.

    We love you and Shaun.