As you know, Momma LOVES to sing. Which, can be a blessing and a curse. Right now, I'm not sure which. Over the last months, a phrase that has gotten me through particularly tough times and days has been, "Just breathe. Just, keep breathing." Of course, I can't have some wonderful, peaceful Zen way of chanting that to myself. Oh no....not Momma. Instead, it has turned into a song. And not just any song. A song that is addictive, gets stuck in my head, and makes me giggle at the most inappropriate times.
When you were just about 12-months old, I started watching Disney movies with you, Peanut. Your attention span was pretty remarkable, and you enjoyed the bright colors, music and dancing with Momma. One of the first movies we watched was "Finding Nemo." I knew the vivid colors of the fish would fascinate you and I wasn't disappointed. I love thinking about you sitting on the floor, staring up at the screen with your mouth and eyes wide open, hands clapping, as you watched the fishies. Deeeeeeeelightful.
I also have an odd fondness for that movie, partially because of something Dadda did when we were first dating. We attended a Halloween party, and had to get costumes at the very last minute. While I opted for something fairly standard-issue and simple, I should have figured that wasn't Dadda's style. No way. He wanted to wear a full body, mascot-esque costume. So, here we are at the costume store, the weekend of Halloween. It's crazy packed, and totally picked over. But, Dadda found a costume I couldn't steer him away from - a full body Dory the Fish costume. Never mind it was unseasonably warm in St. Louis that day. Never mind the fact that Dory's a girl fish. Dadda was undeterred. Well, we get to the party and there are small kids there who LOVE Dory. So much, in fact, that every child had to have their photo taken with "Dory." There was NO WAY Dadda could take the costume's head off to catch some cool air, since it probably would have scarred most of those kids for life. So, he steamed in that costume of over an hour, until the kids went home and he spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out how to hold a beer with his fins. And, I fell in love a whole bunch with him that night.
So, in the midst of learning how to grieve, survive and continue some type of life without my Peanut, I have held on to the need to just breathe. And, when I need to say - sing - it to myself, it comes out as the Dory swimming song from "Finding Nemo" - Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing. What do we do? We just keep breathing!
And I breathe because I'm forced to laugh, no matter where I am, or how I'm feeling. And maybe, just maybe, Peanut, that's a little bit of your special magic. And for that, and so many other reasons, I love you my sweet boy - to the moon and back!