Every Monday-Thursday morning Momma makes the hour-long commute into work, surrounded by thousands of other drivers. Many are headed to work, like me. Others are either driving to drop kids off at school/daycare, or are driving themselves to school. And others just seem to be taking a morning drive, not entirely sure why all these other cars are on the road at 7:00 am! Given the start and stop pattern of the traffic, I have a lot of time to observe the other cars and drivers...probably too much time.
So many of the cars seem to have the same series of stickers covering their back windows. I'm not sure if it is a St. Louis thing, or if it's something I've only started paying attention to since we lost you, Peanut, but I feel like I'm surrounded by these stickers and cars all the time. What are they, you ask? Family stick figure window decals. Here's a sample:
And, I'm never around cars that have a mom, dad, 2.5 kids plus a dog and car. I'm always surrounded by the family with 13 children, and a herd of family pets. It feels like they're mocking me. "Look how many kids we successfully had - AND, they're all still alive. And you, you 39-year old mom who put her career before her heart and family, you thought you could have your one perfect child and be safe and happy. WRONG. And now, well, good luck with your plan to have more kids."
I hate that this is my internal voice track. But I can't deny it, those stickers make me cry every single morning. Why can't I enjoy the love put into those stickers? I mean, some parent lovingly thought through the customization, placed the special order, and carefully applied it to their back window. They didn't put it out there to taunt me or our family.
Maybe it just feels that way because all I wanted was to be a mom. Your mom, Peanut. And now, I just want to feel the joy of being a Momma again. To hold my child, feel more hugs, read books, sing songs and laugh.
So, tomorrow when I see the stickers I will try to smile and think about the love that went into creating that sticker. I will think about another parent who read "Guess How Much I Love You" to their little boy or girl every night. Who sent their children to sleep with the same goodnight wish I send to you every night: I love you...to the moon and back!