As I've said many times before, it's the unexpected "stuff" that sneaks up from out of seemingly nowhere, and completely sucker-punches Momma in the stomach. When I can prepare myself for a tough day, a difficult reminder, or an experience that I know will stir up my feelings of loss and sorrow over you, I actually power through in fine fashion. But the everyday, mundane experiences that unexpectedly carry larger, more powerful meanings? Ugh...a stab in the heart.
The back to school ads, flyers, promotions, pictures, clothes, on and on and on...it's inescapable. And a constant, droning reminder of what you will never, ever get to do. You will never carry a backpack. Or a lunch box. I will never buy you pens, crayons, or glue for school. Never again will I get to buy you school clothes - or a 1st day of school outfit. We will never stand at the corner of the street, waiting for the school bus. You won't get to play school sports, or star in the school play. Never. Ever. Ever.
My plea to the universe - please make this back to school season pass quickly. Allow me to avoid the brightly colored signs plastered in every store window announcing BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL! Give me the grace to be happy for my friends who are excitedly sending their children in to new classrooms, new teachers, new schools.
My plea to you, Peanut - don't be disappointed when you view Momma's sadness, anger and jealousy. It is brief, and will pass. It is not a reflection of my heart. Just my brain coming to terms with the permanence of your absence and the loss of your beautiful soul.
Peanut, please know that I love you more than anything in this world and beyond. To the mooooooon and back!