Momma spent a lot of time waiting today. In the car, at the doctor's office, in lines...so much that I had ample time to think and reflect. Reflect on life, loss, change, perspective. It wasn't that I was searching for meaning or answers - that period seems to have passed, for now - it was more about reassessing the state of my internal compass.
Peanut, I think - no, I know - you were brought into my life to show me my heart's capacity for love. To teach me that motherhood is the most amazing, powerful, wonderful gift I've been honored to receive. To help me learn that life is about family, love, caring, nurturing. Not about selfishness or possessions. Not about being "the best" at work, in social circles, in play. It's about loving someone else so much that everything else pales in comparison.
You made me a better person by making me a Momma. Which is why losing you has been so painful. So confusing. I've struggled with why the universe would give me such a precious gift and teach me all these impactful lessons, only to rip you away in such a sudden, tragic, unexplained way. But, today I had to come to terms with this...I might not ever understand "why." There probably isn't a "why." So, maybe it's time to stop asking that question. Maybe it's the wrong question.
Instead, I started thinking about what has changed in the last 8 months. More specifically, how have I changed in the last 8 months? And I realized this. Peanut, every lesson you taught me has been emphasized. Amplified. Patience, calm, a belief in people's desire to do good - these have become my new guideposts. I see road rage and it mystifies me...folks, you'll get there eventually! I witness people in crisis mode at work and I think to myself, "What? Is there a kidney in a cooler?" I hear angry words and an unwillingness to cooperate with others and I wonder...what satisfaction comes from that approach? Instead, I would rather be the center, the calm.
Peanut, I could have succumbed to the anger. The bitterness. That place was warm, fuzzy, comfortable. And, in so many ways, it was easier. But the memories of you, the need to honor you, the desire to live a life that would make you proud, wouldn't allow me to choose that path. And that, I believe, is its own miracle. A Peanut Miracle. The root of The Peanut Effect.
My wise, smart, witty little Peanut. Thank you for the love you planted in my soul. Sending you a giant kiss to heaven, the moon and back - MWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!