I ordered your birthday cake today, and in the midst of the process Momma found herself pretending. I didn't have the heart, or see the need, to inform the bakery that this very special cake is for a birthday we will never get to actually celebrate. That the beautiful little boy in the picture is actually frozen in time at 16.5 months. That somehow the universe saw fit to extinguish that amazing, sunlit smile.
Instead, Momma acted like this cake is for a second birthday party for a growing little boy who has a whole future ahead of him. That momentary suspension of reality felt...good. I know it's wrong. Probably even a lie. But, in that moment, in that bakery, I felt like a normal, happy Momma again.
Oh, 'Nut. This weekend is going to be hard. As much as your birth date is still a joyful occasion - the best day of Momma's life - it is an awful, painful reminder of just how much we've lost in losing you. Breathe...just breathe.
Sending you Momma love - to the moon and back.
(Here is the picture that will be on your cake...just perfect...)