In the weeks after you passed away, Momma searched for answers, support, refuge in books. My logic was that surely someone wouldn't even attempt to write a book about surviving grief without having experienced it themselves. Right? Wrong. But, there were the rare gems - many of them recommended by other SUDC families - that touched my heart, resonated with my pain, and helped speak to Momma's grief.
It's been a terribly difficult few days for Momma. As time marches on, and life begins to expect more and more from Momma, the network of understanding support has slowly faded away. I knew it would. I was warned to expect it. But, it has opened up a whole new valley of pain. So many people want the "old" version of me back. They think it's time to move on. What a cruel joke.
There have also been the people who think The Bean will make everything better. Almost as if The Bean will be a replacement or a stand in for you. My Peanut.
And still there are others who don't want to talk about your death, but also don't want to celebrate The Bean. Denial is a dark, dangerous, scary way of coping. It hurts so many others along the path.
Peanut. Momma is tired. Tired of making everyone else feel better. Tired of having to soothe feelings and reassure people I'm OK, we're OK, things are OK. Because, things aren't OK. I'm not OK. Surviving? Yes. With some good moments and days? Yes. But, OK? I don't think so.
All these emotions, this pressure, built up today and felt truly overwhelming. In a desperate moment, Momma pulled one of the grief and healing books off the bookshelf. Tear Soup. It's been months since I read it...long enough the message had faded a bit in my mind. The book is large and illustrated, intended for all age groups. The message is simple. But, reading it today was a whole new experience. It read like a different book from the one I read back in March. I read it with my wounded but open heart. And I cried a whole batch of raw and ragged tears...Momma's own, special recipe for her personal Tear Soup. And, for the first time in days, I didn't feel quite so alone on this journey.
Peanut, I know I'm not alone. I know you are on my shoulder every moment of every day. Missing you desperately, and sending you love, love and more love. To the moon and back.